Easier?

I know life isn't easy, but could it be a little easier? Just every once in awhile? I'd even take every once in a long while.
We started meeting with an orthodontist over 2 years ago, suggested by our dentist. So 2 1/2 years later, with a mouth full of more teeth than he has room for, Porter is still not any closer to being a brace face. We have been ping ponged between his dentist, orthodontist and oral surgeon. It has been recommended that we pursue more expertise, possibly out of state, which we started doing.
In the meantime, I switched his dentist who at his check up wondered why we hadn't been in contact with an orthodontist. When I explained the run around we'd been getting, he set us up for consultations with two different doctors. We had one of those appointments today.
The recommendation: go to the craniofacial clinic at Primary Children's. BIG SIGH.....
It seriously took almost 3 years to figure this out? And I'm not just blaming the doctors, I blame my seemingly intelligent self too. We are essentially back to square one, going back to where Porter started and stayed the first few weeks of his life. He's seen more than his share of doctors too, so we're all wondering, why at 12? Why not at 6? or 4? or 9?
I'm obviously oversimplifying the story, but I don't have the energy to rehash all the mixed messages and incomplete diagnosis we've dealt with over the years. I'm just hoping for answers, Porter is too.
I just need to vent and rant just a little. I know that there are others struggling much more than we are, with challenges much greater. I just wish that every once in a long while, something could be easy. Until then, I will focus my frustration on whatever needs to be done to get Porter the answers he so deserves.

Mom, Mommy, Mother...

As the beginning of the new school year approaches, and I prepare to return to work, I must reflect on an age old argument. And by reflect on, I of course mean to get on my soap box about. Sorry, but I must vent, just a little.
Let's start with a question: When your kids address you, do they call you "Stay-at-Home Mom" or "Working Mom?" I think not, so why do we do that to each other? We're all moms, right? Stay-at-moms work hard and working moms don't love their any children less.
The saddest thing about these assumptions and others regarding different types of moms, is that they mostly come from moms and are directed to other moms. We are harder on each other than our children and spouses could ever be.
Being a mom is not easy, no matter the forum or circumstances. I have been fortunate enough to experience both sides, working during the school year and staying at home for summers. Motherhood is a tough, 24/7, tiring and rewarding job for ALL mothers.
Let's end with a question: Why aren't we more supportive of each other in this challenging yet magical endeavor?

Live and Let Live

This started as a status post on fb, but as it grew in length I decided that I really needed to blog about it instead. The catalyst for this post is the Chick-fil-A hubbub flying around the net. I've been bothered by the back and forth hurtling of meanness and the way that some are using the First Amendment as justification that it's okay to say what you want. To a certain extent I agree and am grateful we have the rights defined in the First Amendment. But what was it that we were always taught? Our rights end where another's begins? So my right to swing my fist ends at the tip of your nose, that's the gist anyway. Maybe that's childish simplicity, but that seems to be the MO of the "debate" happening over Chick-fil-A, childish.
Again, I am grateful for my First Amendment rights, but the extent to which I agree ends when people put action behind those words. In my view, Chick-fil-A has done more than just aired their opinions of prejudice, they have become discriminators by acting on that prejudice to support the limitation of the rights and freedoms of others. Interesting how First Amendment rights are being used in an attempt to suppress rights.
Many of us lead a life of privilege where we rarely, if ever question any of our rights because we're never challenged in that way. I include my self in that group, and have referred to myself as just another all American girl, minus the blue eyes and blond hair. But I also include myself in another group, actually several groups, that have experienced discrimination. My first experiences with prejudice and discrimination happened as a child, growing up in an almost exclusively white small town with a predominant religious influence. I was not white and I was not of the predominant religion, and everyone knew it.
I have continued to personally experience racial/ethnic discrimination in different forms until this day, mostly subtle though sometimes shockingly overt. I regularly observe others that are discriminated against for the same reason. I've also experienced gender discrimination, as I'm sure is not uncommon among women. I've even experienced some ageism. Being viewed as younger may not seem like a negative thing unless it's used as professional prejudice. I've also learned a lot about the injustices that people with disabilities face, with my children as my teachers.
Anyway, I don't want to be preachy or seem high and mighty on my soap box. I just want you to take a moment to consider if something of importance to you was held hostage. If your ability to interact with something you believed in was limited or non-existent, or in fact, against the law. How would that make you feel as a human being? Do you want to be responsible for creating that feeling in others?

Whoosh...

That’s the sound of summer, flying by my pleading eyes, arms madly waving, and shouts of “Wait! Slow down! I love you!” I love you? Whoa, summer isn’t even my favorite season! But, as I’m sure you would agree, it’s a seductive one. Summer is coy, luring you in after a wet and rainy Spring. Then it moves into the more serious business of drugging you with infusions of Vitamin D. It wraps you in warmth and laziness then renders you delirious with record high temps. 

Chasing the sun around the yard.

I am more than halfway through summer. Sadly, summer has a beginning and end, even more delineated for those of us who teach. I’ve always had fun summers (minus one: chemo treatments), but this one has been especially enjoyable. I can’t put my finger on it, probably because I’d need more than the fingers I have on two hands to pinpoint all that has contributed to the season so far.

Luckily, it’s not over yet. There’s still about four weeks left. A lot can happen in four weeks, as a lot did happen in six. And if I play it right, summer doesn’t have to end when work begins. Last year I enjoyed a little summer in October, boating in Lake Powell. And if summer decides to exit early, or if going back to work gets in the way, I’ll just fall in love with Fall. 

Wasatch Back 2012

This was my second Wasatch Back. For me, it was not a total success in the running department. But something I learned last year that was reaffirmed this year is Ragnar encompasses sooo much more than running. It really is difficult to put into words what the experience of Ragnar really is but I think my teammate and friend Caryn summed it up very nicely:

"Here is what I learned this weekend! Utah is an amazingly beautiful state, I love having a huge a**, killing people is fun, getting killed sucks, squirt guns are NOT just for kids, hills suck, back seat drivers know best and LOVE hills and food, everything is funny at 3am, Seattlites make the BEST mountain drivers, I can run under a 10 minute mile and enjoy the scenery, the calm one does curse and freak out, it's ok if you cannot read or write, underwear is not necessary but deodorant is, Van 2 isn't cooler than Van 1, nothing is more beautiful than a row of honey buckets, people who wake up at 3am to check on you should always be a part of your life, NY has the best cheerleaders, my legs are strong but my heart is stronger, white people burn and the big breasted chafe, sleep is overrated but if your gonna sleep with anyone make it sister-friend, #185 is my favorite number, I heart food, basketball coaches are f***in tough as hell, exchange #19 rocks, everyone should take minutes for later review, the shwag is great but the experience is life changing! Thanks ladies!"

Yes!!! Thank you Adrianna, Amie, Angie, Becky, Brenda, Caryn, Chris, Jen, Kim, Meja, Stephanie, Tanya, and Vicki!!! I am grateful to have had such an amazing experience with equally amazing women!

Pinterest

Catalyst or crusher of productivity? Creative inspiration or intimidation?  Time-saving or a time-suck?Feelings of success or Economical and cheap ideas or an excessive and capitalistic influence?

I've been pinning for a few months now, and other than the quotes I use with my students, I have only completed 2 pinned projects. The first project were the bookmarks I made my AVID students for Valentines Day. The second project I did just today. It was a combo project, with ideas from more than one source. The Pinterest inspiration is on the right. I paired that with a system I saw in use at the US Post Office, and voila, an calendar command center!


That's it! That's the entirety of my Pinterest glory. 800 pins and this is what I have to show for it. I haven't even tried making any of the Yummy! recipes pinned on that board. The smart ideas on the Too School for Cool board, have yet to make it to school. As for Bookilicious, should have spent that time actually reading books!

Time, ugh, I don't want to even think of the time I "wasted" on Pinterest. At this point in time, for me anyway, Pinterest has been a productivity crusher and time-suck more than anything. A smallish percentage of time "wasted" on Pinterest has been a welcome diversion, or a space filler, but mostly just a true waste of time. Maybe if I'd been cooking those meals, or applying the workouts, or cleverly decorating for the holidays.... Sigh.... nope, nope and nope.


I could let all of the "greatness" that I see on Pinterest make me feel less than great for not being able to achieve it all. But I won't. I could blog about how it may be doing us more harm than good, creating desires that may create unhappiness. But I won't. There are advantages and downfalls in just about everything we encounter in life, it's that awareness that helps us maintain balance. So, I will continue "wasting" time on Pinterest and gain a few tips here and there to enhance my already great life!

  

SetBACK

I am in the midst of a setback, due specifically to my physical back. Those of you who know me quite well also know that my lower back decides to seize up on me from time to time. This time I felt impending doom the morning of the Race for a Cure. I even texted Brenda to let her know how I felt and that I would just have to ignore it until after the race.
The causes of my condition are many: weak core; not doing core strengthening exercises for said core; stressful, busy times (but a good stressful), etc... In addition to the causes, I’m guessing that the catalyst for this particular injury was the barbecue Costco trip Meja and I went on the evening before the race.

Needless to say, I made it through the race, literally running and weaving through it. Thousands of people showed up, the vast majority of which walked. We had great team representation with a combination of people cheering both Lee and I on. I ran with Meja, Brenda, and Caryn the whole way. We crossed the finish line together, hand in hand, arms raised high.
And then as if on cue, my back went and muscles spasms started almost immediately after the finish Other than that and momentarily losing Porter, it was a fabulous morning.
I was feeling better enough by Monday morning that I wasn’t worried about going to work. That feeling lasted pretty much until Thursday morning, after I bent over to pick up a bag. Before I even had the bag in my hand I felt it, and continued feeling it the rest of the day. I hobbled my hunched up, bunched up body to school, determined to get through the day. Unfortunately it got bad enough that the large amounts of ibuprofen I was taking weren’t even making a dent, and I had to call in for an afternoon sub so I could go home. Sigh…..
The biggest bummer of this whole situation is that I had to miss run number six. I had run five 5Ks in 5 weeks and really wanted to believe I would be doing my sixth last Saturday. It was the Girls on the Run running program annual 5K. At 5:21 the morning of the race, I admitted defeat and texted Brenda to let her know that I would not be joining her for the race.
I am too busy to deal with a back that is preventing me from doing much of anything, yet it’s probably the way my body is telling me I’m too busy doing everything. That’s an exaggeration, I don’t do everything, but what I do keep myself busy doing I enjoy very much. Even the good stress gets you! Ah, to truly eat your cake and have it too!

Kellie "Like"

Sunday morning Clint says to me, "You're not being very Kellie-like," followed with, "What happened to go with the flow?"
Kellie "like." Hmmmm.  What exactly does that mean? It means something different now than it did 10 years ago. And though Clint was applying it to a couple of specific situations, it really applies to most aspects of my life. I don't believe I'm a different person per se, just that I think differently. Here's what I mean:
Kellie-like then meant a plethora of wrist watches and Franklin planners. Now it means NEVER wearing a watch, losing track of time and managing my calendar instead of my calendar managing me.
It meant believing that things happened for a reason and now believing that good and bad things happen and you make reason from it, as you choose, for better or worse.
It meant being more cynical and suspicious while now I can't help but give everyone the benefit of the doubt and believe good can be found in every person, often to the point of naivete.
It meant not wanting company because the house was a mess and now it means not wanting to miss out on company even if the house is a mess.
It meant getting by on being deceptively fit, and now it means being a runner.
It meant files, ledgers and balancing the checkbook, and now it means that Clint is bewildered as to why Directv won't let him order the fights because the bill hasn't been paid. (Thank goodness he opened the one that threatened to shut off our power!)
It meant being the go-to-girl for graduate school projects and organization to becoming the girl that was going to everyone else for due dates, instructions, and follow-through.
It meant getting from point A to point B without any variation and now it means we might stop for an overnight stay along the way to our destination. No hurries, no worries.
I'm sure there are things that have been more constant over time, only those of you have known me before, after and during truly know. I personally feel that I've evolved more than I've actually changed, that some tendies were suppressed while others became more enhanced.

Most importantly it means moving along a continuum from judgement to more compassion, from making assumptions to taking the time to know and from taking things personally to realizing that it's so much more than just about me.  

Which is why I went with the flow and gave in on getting a family dog, then topped it off with a Kellie-like thing and insisted we get two! More on our new families will be posted soon!

 

Two Weeks Notice!

Race for the Cure is TWO WEEKS from today! I'm very excited to be participating as a runner, team member and fundraiser! My team is in the Top 10 for fundraising! BUT we haven't reached our goal, YET! Please, please, please contribute or join our team ASAP!
If you register by MAY 6 then your bib and t-shirt are mailed to you! Woohoo! You can actually contribute money up until May 31 for it to count as Race for the Cure funds, but I will stop bugging people about it after the race.
Once again, here is the link to my team page: http://slc.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/SLC_SaltLakeCityAffiliate?team_id=204249&pg=team&fr_id=2479

You can donate to the team in general, or to any of the individual teammates listed. Porter and Parker each have a goal of $5.
The Race for the Cure will be my FIFTH race since turning forty, and it celebrates 5 years of being a survivor! We are also dedicating this race to my dear friend Lee as she starts her fight against cancer!

On a slightly different note, I did my third race today, Color Me Rad. It was a family and friends effort and way too much fun! Parker was able to volunteer through the Utah Down Syndrome Foundation, and Dad and Porter were his volunteer buddies. Fun was had by all!

I've Come A Long Way, Baby!

I just finished a 5 mile run in under an hour! That's a HUGE achievement for me. I started running a little over 2 years ago for my heart, then my health, and now my life. I began with the Couch to 5K program. I was mostly an interval runner, meaning I would run for 30-60 seconds then walk 60-90 seconds. The first non-stop distance I ran outside was .6 miles and it took me over 8 minutes. When I finally got up to running a full mile, I was able to do it in 15 minutes. People could walk faster than I ran! Luckily, a former classmate of mine that I ran into at our 20 year reunion is now a personal trainer. Steve gave me a personal work up to help me with my cardiovascular endurance. It was the guidance for the gradual and sustained improvement I needed.

Fast forward 2+ years. If I run harder than usual I can sustain an 11 minute mile for 2 miles.  Today, running at a normal pace, I averaged 11:52 for 5 miles. Actually, for the first 4 miles I averaged 11:38; mile 5 was a killer! This was my second 5 mile run of the year, and I'm thrilled with the results! I can't believe that I used to say that I would never be a runner, and I'm so glad that it isn't the truth.
This past weekend I finished the first of my 40 races to celebrate turning 40. My 5th scheduled race is going to be the Race for a Cure. My team name is 5 for 5, and that's because I'm running a 5K to celebrate my 5 years of being a survivor. I'm also running for my dear friend Lee, who is a member of the team too. She just recently started her fight with this disease. If you're reading this post, and you haven't already, please consider joining our team and/or donating to Komen SLC. The only reason I can do extraordinary things is because of the extraordinary support I have from the extraordinary people in my life! THANK YOU!

Lake Powell Birthday

     

How do I even begin to describe the most perfect 40th birthday! I can't, but you can see it in pictures. Surrounded by extraordinary views, wrapped in the sun's warmth, rocked by the waters of Lake Powell; experiencing all that with some of the best people on the planet! Beats the hospital bed I was in 5 years ago! So grateful for my life and all that is part of it!

Learn Something New Everyday!

I actually don't see how you couldn't do this. Instead of making it a point to learn something new everyday, I think you'd have to make a point of stopping yourself from learning something new. I'm not only considering academics or book learning, but also career knowledge (which for me happens to be a lot of academics and book learning), social, political and pop culture, personal life lessons, intended and unintended, and the list could go on and on.
Here are three new things I learned yesterday:

At work, with the help of a colleague, I learned more about My Access. I learned how to import students, set up groups and assign a prompt. The day before, with the help of another colleague, I learned how to use the student results to know what types of lessons/teaching I should focus on. End result: I will learn more about what my students know and also learn what to do to help them learn more! Win win!

At a social function with friends, I learned that kids only have to be "shielded" from seeing alcohol depending on the type of liquor license you have. I'm surprised that parents aren't given some sort of partition to place around the alcoholic beverages on their table to keep their children "unaware." Speaking of children and alcohol, here's a previous post about Porter playing "bar." I already knew that Utah's liquor laws were a little quirky, but I learned last night that they are actually totally absurd. For example, you can't "travel" with your beverage, meaning that if you are at one table and move to another with your drink, then set it down, you've broken the law. And that it takes two people to order a pitcher of beer, but one person can order an entire bottle of wine AND a shot of tequila and be served both at the same time because that is considered only two drinks.

My awesome friend Vickie also tried to teach us the proper way to take a great picture, as in pose for a picture. Something like sit up straight, one shoulder down, chin towards that shoulder, head tilted to opposite shoulder, chest out, and something about creating an S? Still learning.

One last thing I learned from Instagram is that KPop is all the rage, or will be all the rage. Basically it's VERY popular Korean pop music by Korean girl and boy bands. Feel free to check it out!

PHEW! I wonder what new things I'll learn today? Tomorrow? Next week? Next year?

Running for My Life

• Idea: Run 40 races to celebrate 40 years of life.
• I have said, on more than one occasion, "I will never be a runner." 
• Heart issues after chemo lead me to consider running, the efficiency of it being a big factor.
• My BFF Brenda starts me on the Couch to 5K program.
• Ran my first 5K and 10K 8 months later.
• Participated in Ragnar 2011.
• Facebook status November 27, 2011: I'M A RUNNER!
• Signed up for the first of my next 40 races 
• Raising money for Race for the Cure this year to celebrate surviving cancer and chemo 5 years ago!

Keep Proving Me Wrong!

I did something tonight that I've been afraid to do. I went to Porter's wrestling practice. Not being there was more than just about not wanting to see him fail. It was about not wanting to see what broke his spirit last week. It was about not wanting to see him fail while he was putting every once of his being into doing his best while failing. It was about not wanting to see how much easier it was for the other kids. It was about me wanting to protect him from disappointment. It was about me not knowing how to be there for him, a determined boy being sabotaged by his own body.

He's the one on top.

We actually had a little talk this afternoon before practice. In fact it's been one of a few that Clint and/or I have had with him about his wrestling venture. We know how frustrating it's been for Porter. We wanted to give him an "out" without making it seem like he was quitting or giving up. I think he took that out at least 3 times, including today right after our talk. And then at least 3 times, one time for each time he "quit," he quickly reversed his decision with an emphatic "I'm NOT giving up!" which he repeated a few times for even greater emphasis.
After our talk he went to get ready for practice, shouting "I'M NOT GIVING UP!" a half dozen times as he was changing. So I decided that in order to be there for Porter, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and be there to cheer him on. I'm so glad he decided not to quit and even more glad that I decided to go to the practice. He did so great! And according to Clint, there has been improvement. There was not a trace of the disappointment and frustration that I saw last week.
As we were walking out Porter turned to me and said, "Mom, are you so proud of me." Yes! Yes! and Yes! Those of you that know us well, know that this isn't the only time Porter has proved us wrong. When will I learn to stop doubting this persistent, determined, and extraordinary kid?

Disappointment

Unfortunately, today was a day of disappointments. For me, it was a letter in the mail announcing the opposite of what I wanted it to. I applied for a fellowship to Korea; a sixteen day, all expenses paid, educational trip. Hundreds of others also applied, or so the letter said. Though I wasn't sure I would be selected, I acted like a would be. I was considering taking some Spanish classes, then this opportunity came up. Though Spanish would be more practical, I kind of felt like I was "cheating" on a language I was supposed to know. Now I have to decide again, Spanish or Korean? I'm leaning Spanish so I need to get over the guilt of not knowing Korean.
Disappointment is such a downer. It literally takes the wind out of your sails, the air out of your balloon, the bounce from your step, the, well you get the idea. It's not the end of the world, life or death, so on and so forth, but it is a really big bummer. 

Disappointments are worse when they're piled on. Though the second disappointment of the day wasn't mine personally, it was Porter's which effects me as his parent. If I haven't already made it clear, Porter is very into WWE, which is "professional" wrestling, or I like to call it, fake wrestling. He's a big fan and his mimicry resulted in an injury, a visit to urgent care, and a field trip to watch a real high school wrestling match. Fast forward a couple months and an opportunity for pee wee, non-competitive wrestling is offered by the local high school wrestling team. Porter, the Mountain May, and CTF (initials/moniker of his neighborhood wrestling buddy) decide to sign up.

For those of you who aren't aware, wrestling is an incredibly physically demanding sport that takes major strength and stamina. Porter is seriously lacking in physical strength and stamina and it is incredibly frustrating for him. He inhabits a body that does not cooperate with what he envisions it doing. The situation is similar to his speech difficulties. For the longest time, the way he heard himself talking in his head and what was actually being heard by others didn't match up. He once even said, "In my head I have a beautiful singing voice." Even with his "new" awareness, he hasn't given up singing. 

Tonight at wrestling, it was "Boom, boom, boom. Over and over and over and over again." Porter was relating his experience at practice tonight, and the worst part of it, it was a much younger kid that he was wrestling. Porter is somewhat trapped in his own body. I understand his frustration because I've been betrayed by mine. It doesn't work to give him the adult intellectualized explanation of his situation, he's just a kid, and a resilient one at that. This is just a speed bump on life's road, but it doesn't make it any less disappointing in this moment. 

 

Another "R" Word

Here's another "R" word I don't particularly care to hear, RETARDED. Unfortunately it's a word I hear daily and often multiple times in a day. Mind you, I do work with teenagers, but they are not the only offenders.
This isn't a word I came to dislike as a result of having Parker, and I don't even doubt that I have also used this word many times in the past.
Pre-Parker, I would gently admonish my students by telling them that "retarded" people, people who could not help being born with a mental disability or people who were impacted through an accident, don't really have much of a choice about their mental abilities. What they really meant was "stupid" or "dumb." I know, I know, not much better and still name calling, but stupid can be attributed to any person or group while retarded conjures up images of a specific group of people who have intellectual and physical disabilities.
Post-Parker, I still gently admonish and then throw in that my own son has an intellectual disability and that I personally take offense to the use of that word. Most often I get a wide-eyed look of shock followed by an apology which often times included something like, "Well, I didn't mean him."
That's why I love this little PSA from Lauren Potter who plays Becky on GLEE. How many other words do people use with the caveat of "I didn't mean 'him,' or 'her,' or 'them.'" There have been occasions during my life in which people have disparaged Asians during their conversations with me. When I point this out, they say, "I didn't mean you." Is that because I'm only half? Or because they just see me as American? Then who did they mean? My mother?
Name calling with words that are used as labels for specific groups of people is hurtful, insensitive, and off-putting. I would include "gay" in this category as well as "girl." Using "gay" as an interchangeable adjective for "stupid" is, well, stupid. They are not interchangeable and insinuate that being gay is a bad thing. I also object to the insinuation that being a girl is a bad thing with comments such as, "Don't scream like a girl," "You're acting like a girl," "You throw like a girl."
So there you have it, my Sunday Soapbox.

"R" Words

Last week, I heard an "R" word that I really don't like. Hearing it causes a slight pause, internal cringing, and a little sadness. I went to urgent care for a sinus  infection, and though it is the facility we often visit, the particular provider that day was one that none of us had ever seen before. It's just so much easier to deal with someone who is somewhat familiar with our health situations. I don't particularly enjoy giving the rundown of the past 4+ years, answering additional questions, and then receiving reactions that range from pity to incredulity.

After the initial glance through my chart, assessment of current reasons for being there, and some clarifications she asked the question, "So you're in REMISSION?" Ugh, I hate that word, and for the record I don't hear it often, not even from my oncologist. I don't want to answer that specific question and my answer, when I've had to give it, has been more of an awkward and uncomfortable, "ah huh" with head nodding. But the answer that is in my heart trying to leap through my throat is, "No, I'm CURED!" Cured is a freeing, light, and energizing word that propels me into an active life full of the future and a birthday at 93. Remission is word that is like quicksand, sucking down my body and burying my dreams.

Thank goodness I see this sign around town on billboards and buses almost daily:

Playoff Osmosis

I'm a sports fan by osmosis. It's part of my life because it's a part of Clint's and Porter's life, oh, and my BFF too. It's not that I don't enjoy sports, its that I don't prefer them. I do enjoy them, live. We've been to four NFL games to watch the Patriots play. Every game was more than fun to watch and every trip was a blast. I've enjoyed the numerous Jazz games I've been to and the occasional baseball game. I love U games, especially when tailgating is involved. I even like school games and matches. I guess I'm more a fan of the goings on around the actual game of whatever sport it might be, the social aspect. I'm sure I talk way too much during the event to be consider a true sports enthusiast.
I've been slightly more interested in this NFL playoff season for various reasons. One, the Patriots are doing well. That's always a good thing at our house. Porter was surprised that Clint had people over to the house for the game against Denver on Saturday. Clint feigned innocence as Porter explained that it would be embarrassing if Clint said bad words like, "Stupid and beeeeep, beeeeep." Porter actually said beep, not the swear words the beeps were intending to mask. It is a it of a worry, but luckily it was a total blow out in the Patriots favor, so we were saved from apologies.
The Saints lost to the Niners, as I'm sure everyone else already knows. I was torn as to who I wanted to win. Alex Smith, the quarterback for the Niners, played at Utah but Ellen likes the Saints. When Porter found out the reason for my confusion he said, "Really mom? Really?" Yes, really. I was once a Dolphins fan because I like dolphins, so there. I did know that I wanted the Ravens to win their game, though that would mean they would be playing the Patriots next week. Haloti Ngata is a former student of mine. In eighth grade he went by Harold. I remember him as a big, friendly kid with great manners.
Sports, whether it be the NBA, NFL, ESPN, NCAA, will always be a part of my life because that's what families do, share a life! (and Clint thinks I'm the one associated with annoying acronyms, ha!)
P.S. Tim Tebow is an extraordinary person. Check him out! The Tim Tebow Foundation

With You? Or In The Bag?

A phrase that has become as common place as, "Plastic or paper?" I'm trying to remember when that even started, the receipt question. I remember when paper grocery sacks were replaced by plastic ones, only to then find themselves in competition when the papers one returned. Now there are the even more environmentally friendly reusable bags. I don't remember when the receipt question began. Maybe it's always been around? I worked retail during high school, and I don't remember giving people a choice, the receipt went in the bag. It's possible that a lawsuit somewhere was the catalyst for the change, who knows.

The post title and opening statement were prompted by a little excursion to the mall. I finally made it to H&M. I never expected there would be one here and had resigned myself to shopping there annually. When I was SO excited when I found out there really was going to be an H&M in Utah, and even better, it was going to be at Fashion Place, right in my hood!
It's been open a few months but I have kind of been waiting. Waiting for what? Waiting for time to really shop. I can't do H&M like I do Old Navy, with a quick walk-through and cursory glances and/or with my kids in tow. I need  to not feel rushed so that I can really look around when I go into an H&M which means no kids.
They opened their doors mid-November, right during the gear-up of the pre-holiday rush. I barely shopped for others during this time, shopping for myself would have seemed very selfish. Had I known then what I found out tonight, that this particular H&M has a children's section, I could have easily killed two birds with one stone. Oh well, what's past is past.

So, was I disappointed? Not really, and I wasn't extremely impressed either. I am glad we have one and will enjoy shopping there, I just felt a bit overwhelmed when I first walked in. I was greeted by racks and racks of sale items. I like sale items, I just hate going through sale racks. The clothes are crammed together, my size is usually gone though there are plenty of too small and also too big, and the racks are too close together. I wasn't able to fully get over the little bit of anxiety I felt before another situation started, and then continued, to annoyed me. I think it can be best illustrated with the text conversation between me and my friend Ami:

Me: Finally headed to h & m. Lots of orange at jcrew
Me: Huge store huge sale. Hate it when someone is looking close to me when I was here first! (like barely more than a foot away from me)
Ami: I hate that so bad!!! I am jelly!!! Find something cute!!!
Me: OMG. Someone is trying to look below me! WTF. It's not that crowded. We will take tues parking (school thing)
Ami: Ok sounds good! What the hell people!
Me: Just happened AGAIN! Next person gets PUNCHED!
Ami: WOW! I am surprised by this language!
Me: It's like I'm invisible! Rude people suck.
Ami: Seriously!

I'm still a little confused about the stalker shoppers. I've NEVER had that happen to me before, at least not without at least an "Excuse me please." Whatever, I'm over it now. Besides, I did get a few cute tops, I am happy they are here, and I'm looking forward to going back!
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Reality Check

I don't often write posts like the one I'm about to write very often. In fact, long periods of "silence" from me on the blogging front usually signal challenging times. Not writing at times like these is part of a three prong philosophy:

• giving a voice to difficulties puts a focus right where it will only make hard things harder 
• being optimistic puts energy on what's so great about life which is intended to then create an avalanche affect of goodness (I'll admit, this can also be a form of denial; "blanketing" that which must not be named)
• doing what we can with what we have by looking for using various resources (usually medically related) give us some answers and guidance with our non-typical children

Though these challenging and difficult situations often create frustration, anger, anxiety and confusion the true emotion underlying them all is heartbreak. This extends to all parents, not just parents of children with disabilities or unique struggles. All parents have their hearts pierced from time to time as they watch their children navigate growth, development, and milestones. We hurt when they're left out, when they "lose," and when they're sick. We even find ourselves wishing we could trade places with them at times to absorb their pain and shield them from misery. I have never felt the need to do that more than I do tonight, right now in this moment.  

Porter watched himself on a "video" that was taken this afternoon. How that situation came about would have been great material for a more humorous blog, but the result was anything but. Long story short, he gained a whole new perspective of himself. "I thought I was a normal boy. Why do I do that? See, there. I keep doing it?" He's referring to his "flapping." He's done it for as long as I can remember. It happens a lot when he's excited, overstimulated, emotional, etc... I told him that he does it all the time and asked if he really didn't know he was doing it. He said he really didn't, and I believe him. "I wish I was a normal boy." "Why don't my muscles work?" "What's wrong with my throat?" "I'm so disappointed in myself." "My future is ruined." "I don't like me."
My pain for his pain is tearing up my heart.

This is my parental reality. We've done a lot for Porter and he's an amazing, resilient, and persistent kid. It is definitely not normal to hear him talking this way. I am his parent, protector, and guardian. In many instances I know I could have and should have done more, but we can only move forward and look toward the future.  So now, instead of avoiding the negative and sugar coating with the positive, I will direct my energies to prong three: pursuing answers and resources that will help Porter be the person he wants to be. 

Just a few minutes ago, after a pep talk from his dad, we hear, "I love you dad. I love you mom. I'm not going to give up." And neither am I (though I think I am going to cry myself to sleep, just this once).

Celebrate!

Some people celebrate their birthday on their birthday, or a bit before, maybe even a little after. Another popular option is having a birthday week. There may even be a few that extend that to a month, or have "half" birthdays, which are especially popular with children who have summer birthdays. I've decided that I will be celebrating the entire year of my 40th birthday.
Technically, my 40th year of life began when I turned 39. And it might be more exact to celebrate a year starting from the time I actually have my 40th birthday. But since I was born in 1972, which was forty years ago, then I'm going to celebrate all of 2012, and then some. Though it is a "Me Party," it wouldn't really be a celebration without wonderful people to share it with! I hope you'll follow me along on my mid-life journey and all the celebrations of this extra special year. Cheers!

Back to Blogging

I guess it’s a resolution of sorts. It’s also therapeutic, a way for me to organize my thoughts. Selfish? Sure, what blog isn’t? Throw in boastful, gotta tell the world about these amazing boys I’ve been given. It’s a learning tool and allows me to be reflective about what I’m doing here (that would be the teacher part of me chiming in). It allows for creativity! I get to write, design, be a little techie and artsy, etc… But best of all, it gives me a chance to connect with people.
Go ahead and give it a looky loo. I’ve changed it up (design), and figured how to do that by myself! (techy + learning) I went back through and reviewed my older posts (reflective) and updated the links and such (techy). I’ve coordinated my social media (techy + people). It’s definitely a work in progress, as is life! I hope you’ll enjoy the journey as much as I do! CHEERS to 2012!