Another "R" Word

Here's another "R" word I don't particularly care to hear, RETARDED. Unfortunately it's a word I hear daily and often multiple times in a day. Mind you, I do work with teenagers, but they are not the only offenders.
This isn't a word I came to dislike as a result of having Parker, and I don't even doubt that I have also used this word many times in the past.
Pre-Parker, I would gently admonish my students by telling them that "retarded" people, people who could not help being born with a mental disability or people who were impacted through an accident, don't really have much of a choice about their mental abilities. What they really meant was "stupid" or "dumb." I know, I know, not much better and still name calling, but stupid can be attributed to any person or group while retarded conjures up images of a specific group of people who have intellectual and physical disabilities.
Post-Parker, I still gently admonish and then throw in that my own son has an intellectual disability and that I personally take offense to the use of that word. Most often I get a wide-eyed look of shock followed by an apology which often times included something like, "Well, I didn't mean him."
That's why I love this little PSA from Lauren Potter who plays Becky on GLEE. How many other words do people use with the caveat of "I didn't mean 'him,' or 'her,' or 'them.'" There have been occasions during my life in which people have disparaged Asians during their conversations with me. When I point this out, they say, "I didn't mean you." Is that because I'm only half? Or because they just see me as American? Then who did they mean? My mother?
Name calling with words that are used as labels for specific groups of people is hurtful, insensitive, and off-putting. I would include "gay" in this category as well as "girl." Using "gay" as an interchangeable adjective for "stupid" is, well, stupid. They are not interchangeable and insinuate that being gay is a bad thing. I also object to the insinuation that being a girl is a bad thing with comments such as, "Don't scream like a girl," "You're acting like a girl," "You throw like a girl."
So there you have it, my Sunday Soapbox.

"R" Words

Last week, I heard an "R" word that I really don't like. Hearing it causes a slight pause, internal cringing, and a little sadness. I went to urgent care for a sinus  infection, and though it is the facility we often visit, the particular provider that day was one that none of us had ever seen before. It's just so much easier to deal with someone who is somewhat familiar with our health situations. I don't particularly enjoy giving the rundown of the past 4+ years, answering additional questions, and then receiving reactions that range from pity to incredulity.

After the initial glance through my chart, assessment of current reasons for being there, and some clarifications she asked the question, "So you're in REMISSION?" Ugh, I hate that word, and for the record I don't hear it often, not even from my oncologist. I don't want to answer that specific question and my answer, when I've had to give it, has been more of an awkward and uncomfortable, "ah huh" with head nodding. But the answer that is in my heart trying to leap through my throat is, "No, I'm CURED!" Cured is a freeing, light, and energizing word that propels me into an active life full of the future and a birthday at 93. Remission is word that is like quicksand, sucking down my body and burying my dreams.

Thank goodness I see this sign around town on billboards and buses almost daily:

Playoff Osmosis

I'm a sports fan by osmosis. It's part of my life because it's a part of Clint's and Porter's life, oh, and my BFF too. It's not that I don't enjoy sports, its that I don't prefer them. I do enjoy them, live. We've been to four NFL games to watch the Patriots play. Every game was more than fun to watch and every trip was a blast. I've enjoyed the numerous Jazz games I've been to and the occasional baseball game. I love U games, especially when tailgating is involved. I even like school games and matches. I guess I'm more a fan of the goings on around the actual game of whatever sport it might be, the social aspect. I'm sure I talk way too much during the event to be consider a true sports enthusiast.
I've been slightly more interested in this NFL playoff season for various reasons. One, the Patriots are doing well. That's always a good thing at our house. Porter was surprised that Clint had people over to the house for the game against Denver on Saturday. Clint feigned innocence as Porter explained that it would be embarrassing if Clint said bad words like, "Stupid and beeeeep, beeeeep." Porter actually said beep, not the swear words the beeps were intending to mask. It is a it of a worry, but luckily it was a total blow out in the Patriots favor, so we were saved from apologies.
The Saints lost to the Niners, as I'm sure everyone else already knows. I was torn as to who I wanted to win. Alex Smith, the quarterback for the Niners, played at Utah but Ellen likes the Saints. When Porter found out the reason for my confusion he said, "Really mom? Really?" Yes, really. I was once a Dolphins fan because I like dolphins, so there. I did know that I wanted the Ravens to win their game, though that would mean they would be playing the Patriots next week. Haloti Ngata is a former student of mine. In eighth grade he went by Harold. I remember him as a big, friendly kid with great manners.
Sports, whether it be the NBA, NFL, ESPN, NCAA, will always be a part of my life because that's what families do, share a life! (and Clint thinks I'm the one associated with annoying acronyms, ha!)
P.S. Tim Tebow is an extraordinary person. Check him out! The Tim Tebow Foundation

With You? Or In The Bag?

A phrase that has become as common place as, "Plastic or paper?" I'm trying to remember when that even started, the receipt question. I remember when paper grocery sacks were replaced by plastic ones, only to then find themselves in competition when the papers one returned. Now there are the even more environmentally friendly reusable bags. I don't remember when the receipt question began. Maybe it's always been around? I worked retail during high school, and I don't remember giving people a choice, the receipt went in the bag. It's possible that a lawsuit somewhere was the catalyst for the change, who knows.

The post title and opening statement were prompted by a little excursion to the mall. I finally made it to H&M. I never expected there would be one here and had resigned myself to shopping there annually. When I was SO excited when I found out there really was going to be an H&M in Utah, and even better, it was going to be at Fashion Place, right in my hood!
It's been open a few months but I have kind of been waiting. Waiting for what? Waiting for time to really shop. I can't do H&M like I do Old Navy, with a quick walk-through and cursory glances and/or with my kids in tow. I need  to not feel rushed so that I can really look around when I go into an H&M which means no kids.
They opened their doors mid-November, right during the gear-up of the pre-holiday rush. I barely shopped for others during this time, shopping for myself would have seemed very selfish. Had I known then what I found out tonight, that this particular H&M has a children's section, I could have easily killed two birds with one stone. Oh well, what's past is past.

So, was I disappointed? Not really, and I wasn't extremely impressed either. I am glad we have one and will enjoy shopping there, I just felt a bit overwhelmed when I first walked in. I was greeted by racks and racks of sale items. I like sale items, I just hate going through sale racks. The clothes are crammed together, my size is usually gone though there are plenty of too small and also too big, and the racks are too close together. I wasn't able to fully get over the little bit of anxiety I felt before another situation started, and then continued, to annoyed me. I think it can be best illustrated with the text conversation between me and my friend Ami:

Me: Finally headed to h & m. Lots of orange at jcrew
Me: Huge store huge sale. Hate it when someone is looking close to me when I was here first! (like barely more than a foot away from me)
Ami: I hate that so bad!!! I am jelly!!! Find something cute!!!
Me: OMG. Someone is trying to look below me! WTF. It's not that crowded. We will take tues parking (school thing)
Ami: Ok sounds good! What the hell people!
Me: Just happened AGAIN! Next person gets PUNCHED!
Ami: WOW! I am surprised by this language!
Me: It's like I'm invisible! Rude people suck.
Ami: Seriously!

I'm still a little confused about the stalker shoppers. I've NEVER had that happen to me before, at least not without at least an "Excuse me please." Whatever, I'm over it now. Besides, I did get a few cute tops, I am happy they are here, and I'm looking forward to going back!
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Reality Check

I don't often write posts like the one I'm about to write very often. In fact, long periods of "silence" from me on the blogging front usually signal challenging times. Not writing at times like these is part of a three prong philosophy:

• giving a voice to difficulties puts a focus right where it will only make hard things harder 
• being optimistic puts energy on what's so great about life which is intended to then create an avalanche affect of goodness (I'll admit, this can also be a form of denial; "blanketing" that which must not be named)
• doing what we can with what we have by looking for using various resources (usually medically related) give us some answers and guidance with our non-typical children

Though these challenging and difficult situations often create frustration, anger, anxiety and confusion the true emotion underlying them all is heartbreak. This extends to all parents, not just parents of children with disabilities or unique struggles. All parents have their hearts pierced from time to time as they watch their children navigate growth, development, and milestones. We hurt when they're left out, when they "lose," and when they're sick. We even find ourselves wishing we could trade places with them at times to absorb their pain and shield them from misery. I have never felt the need to do that more than I do tonight, right now in this moment.  

Porter watched himself on a "video" that was taken this afternoon. How that situation came about would have been great material for a more humorous blog, but the result was anything but. Long story short, he gained a whole new perspective of himself. "I thought I was a normal boy. Why do I do that? See, there. I keep doing it?" He's referring to his "flapping." He's done it for as long as I can remember. It happens a lot when he's excited, overstimulated, emotional, etc... I told him that he does it all the time and asked if he really didn't know he was doing it. He said he really didn't, and I believe him. "I wish I was a normal boy." "Why don't my muscles work?" "What's wrong with my throat?" "I'm so disappointed in myself." "My future is ruined." "I don't like me."
My pain for his pain is tearing up my heart.

This is my parental reality. We've done a lot for Porter and he's an amazing, resilient, and persistent kid. It is definitely not normal to hear him talking this way. I am his parent, protector, and guardian. In many instances I know I could have and should have done more, but we can only move forward and look toward the future.  So now, instead of avoiding the negative and sugar coating with the positive, I will direct my energies to prong three: pursuing answers and resources that will help Porter be the person he wants to be. 

Just a few minutes ago, after a pep talk from his dad, we hear, "I love you dad. I love you mom. I'm not going to give up." And neither am I (though I think I am going to cry myself to sleep, just this once).

Celebrate!

Some people celebrate their birthday on their birthday, or a bit before, maybe even a little after. Another popular option is having a birthday week. There may even be a few that extend that to a month, or have "half" birthdays, which are especially popular with children who have summer birthdays. I've decided that I will be celebrating the entire year of my 40th birthday.
Technically, my 40th year of life began when I turned 39. And it might be more exact to celebrate a year starting from the time I actually have my 40th birthday. But since I was born in 1972, which was forty years ago, then I'm going to celebrate all of 2012, and then some. Though it is a "Me Party," it wouldn't really be a celebration without wonderful people to share it with! I hope you'll follow me along on my mid-life journey and all the celebrations of this extra special year. Cheers!

Back to Blogging

I guess it’s a resolution of sorts. It’s also therapeutic, a way for me to organize my thoughts. Selfish? Sure, what blog isn’t? Throw in boastful, gotta tell the world about these amazing boys I’ve been given. It’s a learning tool and allows me to be reflective about what I’m doing here (that would be the teacher part of me chiming in). It allows for creativity! I get to write, design, be a little techie and artsy, etc… But best of all, it gives me a chance to connect with people.
Go ahead and give it a looky loo. I’ve changed it up (design), and figured how to do that by myself! (techy + learning) I went back through and reviewed my older posts (reflective) and updated the links and such (techy). I’ve coordinated my social media (techy + people). It’s definitely a work in progress, as is life! I hope you’ll enjoy the journey as much as I do! CHEERS to 2012!