8 Days...

Eight days that have felt more like 2 weeks. Ugh. Two recovery events have happened in the past two days, maybe three. First, yesterday I had the, "What if this is my new normal?" thought and conversation, with myself in my head. "What if it's not going to get any better than this?" "What if I traded waking up 3+ nights a weeks to twice or triple that?" "What if my healing is not typical and a, b, c, or d end up happening?" Thankfully, two things happened shortly after that unproductive though process (like this past week has been so productive otherwise).
The next recovery event was realizing that I am now able to drink liquids using consecutive swallows, instead of pausing while gasping for breath in between each sip. Phew, an obvious improvement, I am getting back to "normal." The third event, so yes there were three, was realizing that it's only been 8 days. I was looking forward to sitting around and doing nothing while my sister took care of my kids, and my husband took care of me until my mom arrived to take care of us all. The plan was to rest up, enjoy this time off. It's not really time off if I can't do things I like to do during my "time off", like read, catch up on tv shows, hang out, sleep, and eat.
Eat, I can't wait for when I can do that again. First of all, eating all the ice cream you want? Not okay, at least not in the first 5 days. Lovely, bubble burst by receptionist, nurses, doctors, etc... Losing weight? True, though I won't say how much at this point because the plan is to gain it back, as soon as I can eat real food. I'm looking forward to graduating from placing slippery food stuffs in my mouth so that it can slide down my throat and provide me, I'm not sure what, hydration? Once I can eat food that needs to be chewed and swallowed, it may take me the rest of the summer to get through the list of all the food I will be reintroducing to my tonsil free lifestyle.
For now, I will try to remember that it has only been 8 days, and not the two weeks it's felt like. I will be patient and hope that the time to enjoy my "time off" activities is near. I will do my best not to think about all the great food I'm missing out on, even with the holiday and barbecues. And I will look forward to full recovery which I"m hoping will gain me more full nights of sleep and less sickness during the year. Now, I think it's time for another bowl of sherbet!

Parenting is hard.

Parenting is hard. I think it's even hard for parents of "typical" kids, though I wouldn't exactly know. I know we're all exhausted, that's a given, right? Yet because of the idiosyncrasies of my children and the unique challenges they face, it's difficult to give up their care, even to the most well intentioned village, if only for an evening away. We're ever vigilant, always on guard, and yes, definitely over protective.

I also imagine that all parents worry, mine still do and I'm grown with children of my own! But maybe parents of typical kids have a little less to worry about. I know there are commonalities among what parents worry about, I just feel like parents of kids with disabilities have a greater number of those worries at any one time. I'd start a list, but I'd like to maintain some semblance of denial.

I can imagine that raising kids is like a roller coaster ride for most parents. There are enough highs and lows to go around, though I think that parents of "special" kids might be experience higher highs and lower lows. Milestones are not taken for granted or expected, instead they are hoped for and celebrated. We flinch when parents joke about the "agony" of having a mobile toddler to chase around. When our kids can stack 3 blocks we jump up and down, much like a parent might do when their child learns to ride a bike. And a milestone as simple as shoe tying may be something we never witness. I'm actually still waiting for that one, and my boys are 13 and 7. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, not such a big deal, but an example of the little things we don't get to take for granted.

The lows on our roller coaster are followed by loop-d-loops, aka the grief cycle. We grieve for what our kids are not or will not be able to do. We grieve for the future we imagined, then turn to the task of creating a new one. We learn quickly that there really are no guarantees, for reals, no joke, seriously. And though coming to terms with that makes life "easier," we're still sometimes resentful about it.

I'm not sure that I'm doing a good job of articulating what it is that I'm trying to say. The emotions I'm experiencing at this moment come and go, in various degrees and for various reasons. Tonight it's because I, along with a few dozen parents, sat through a 3 hour meeting with the special education directors and superintendent of our school district. The purpose of the meeting was to address parent concerns regarding reorganization of special education services due to budget cuts. 

What this boils down to for me, right now, is that I am faced with making a decision of where Parker will spend first grade. Will he continue in his cluster class? Or will he go to his neighborhood school? We also had to make this decision last year. The question isn't as simple as it may seem, there are several factors to consider. I know it's just first grade, but it might as well be college, that's how the weight of it feels to me. I'm afraid to choose because I don't want to make the wrong choice, if that makes any sense. And it's only in hindsight that I will know if it was the right choice, or more accurately, the better choice. 

So yes, to wrap things up before my venting turns into droning, I believe that my experience might not be too different from what it is now if I was parenting typical kids. And though most parents of typical kids probably don't have over a dozen doctors, therapists, clinics, etc... listed in their contacts, I do know one thing we definitely have in common, love for our children.   

My "Instant Happy" Happiness Tool

Happiness abounds, or does it? For me the answer would be yes! I prefer to live happy, and it is a preference I work on, though not as much as I used to. I've always been optimistic, a resilient sort who views the glass half full. Just as I went from running to becoming a runner, I nurtured my optimism and grew into a full blown optimist. The quiz I took even says so! (LearnedOptimism by Martin E. P. Seligman, PhD)

There have been events, situations and people along the way that have shaped my positive perspective. Most have come in the form of challenges namely my sons and their disabilities as well as my own battle with breast cancer. Others have come in the form of inspiration such as Ellen Degeneres, TeamHoyt and YouTube sensations like Kid President and Arthur, the paratrooper turned yogi .

I also use what I like to call inspirational quotes, aka words of wisdom. Just a few of the right words can give an attitude adjustment in just a few seconds. Just a few of the right words can set the tone in a classroom, opening young minds to endless possibilities. Just a few of the right words can give perspective on life or compassion for the life of another. Just a few of the right words can bolster strength and fortitude in order to accomplish the seemingly impossible.

I would like to share some words of wisdom that summarize how I evolved from being optimistic into being an optimist. In her book Instant Happy, Karen Salmanshon says, “Much of the pain in life comes from having a life plan that you've fallen in love with, but that doesn't work out. Having to find a new life plan hurts. The trick is not to become attached to any particular life plan and to remember that there is always a better, EVEN-HAPPIER life plan out there somewhere.”

It wasn't in the plan to have two children with disabilities, but it happened. It wasn't in the plan to have breast cancer, but it happened. Over the course of a decade, I learned that I cannot count on any plan, best laid, well-intentioned, or fool-proof. What I can count on is my ability to patiently and lovingly embrace any plan as it unfolds in front of me. 

To illustrate, two years ago I put in for a transfer which I would call blind. I was requesting to leave one school, and with that request I had to be okay with ending up wherever they found a spot for me. I didn’t just throw caution to the wind, I threw my hat in the ring, I signed on the dotted line, I was all in. I was a little taken aback at colleagues who were afraid for me. Why be afraid? The new prospective job did not scare a little ol' optimist like me because I knew I was taking me to go do it!

Ski Lessons

After Porter's incessant requests for ski lessons, he got his wish. Last week was his first lesson provided by the National Ability Center, a world renowned program that allows for people of different abilities to participate in recreational activities. We are very fortunate to have access to this service so close to home.

On our way up last week, Porter assured me that he was going to be awesome because he is "one-of-a-kind." He definitely has had quite a one-of-a-kind determination and persistence since birth. Not being able to something the "typical" way has never been a deterrent. Porter just finds another way, a different way, an alternative.
After arriving at the ski resort, checking in, and picking up equipment we finally met the instructor. Both of us were surprised to see that Porter's instructor has a physical disability and skis using adaptive equipment. Truthfully, I was surprised, Porter thought it was cool.
There were many different physical and intellectual disabilities among the ski and snowboard students. It was such great reinforcement for Porter, who seems to notice all that people are able to do, and not just in spite of their limitations. I think it's great that Porter can see in others what he sees in himself, ability.

He's such a great kid. I'm lucky to have such an inspiration as a part of my life. I am grateful to watch him tackle his latest conquest. Cheers to lesson number 2!

Blurry

I'm not referring to what extreme nearsightedness has done to my eyesight. I'm also not talking about the snowy blizzard that has decreased visibility and increased driving time.I'm commenting on the line dividing 2012 from 2013, a line that appears blurry. The demarcation of time between "then" and "now" has come and gone and little has changed. It's difficult to explain, probably because I don't quite understand it myself.
I don't believe the blur comes from a lack of resolutions. It's not that I'm not big on resolutions, I just set them throughout the year. Though the first of a new year is a great time to start being a number of things (healthier, more responsible, etc...) so is every other day of the year. The new year can be a catalyst or an excuse to wait "until then." People do it all the time, procrastinate action "until then." Maybe it's the revolving door of resolutions that has blurred the years together.
Last year I resolved to celebrate my birthday year, and have figured out a way to make that year equal 15 months. A celebration of my birthday year would include the whole year in which I turned 40 as well as the year counted from my that birthday to the next. Since my birthday is the last day in March, that gave me all of 2012, plus the first three months of this year. It's been a wonderful celebration of life so far, my best year yet!
Since my 5 year breast cancer survivorship coincided with my turning 40, I also resolved to celebrate just being alive. My gratefulness led me to take my running to a different kind of level and run a race for each of my 40 years, from one birthday to the next. I'm 75% of the way finished. I completed two 5k races on New Years Day, bringing my current total to 30. I'm registered for 7 races, have another couple picked out, and am looking for one more. Check out my tentative schedule and feel free to join me.
I also had one other resolution, more of a wish, a birthday wish. What do you get a girl who has more than enough wants and is fortunate enough to need for very little? Tickets to the Ellen show! That's right! It took  work, faith and patience, but all totally worth it. I can't wait to share my upcoming experience with you!
I'm not complaining about the blur. It's not the where-did-the-time-go blur. It's an everyday-is-a-celebration kind of blur. Each day really is special, enjoy it, and the next and the next and the next.

Mom, Mommy, Mother...

As the beginning of the new school year approaches, and I prepare to return to work, I must reflect on an age old argument. And by reflect on, I of course mean to get on my soap box about. Sorry, but I must vent, just a little.
Let's start with a question: When your kids address you, do they call you "Stay-at-Home Mom" or "Working Mom?" I think not, so why do we do that to each other? We're all moms, right? Stay-at-moms work hard and working moms don't love their any children less.
The saddest thing about these assumptions and others regarding different types of moms, is that they mostly come from moms and are directed to other moms. We are harder on each other than our children and spouses could ever be.
Being a mom is not easy, no matter the forum or circumstances. I have been fortunate enough to experience both sides, working during the school year and staying at home for summers. Motherhood is a tough, 24/7, tiring and rewarding job for ALL mothers.
Let's end with a question: Why aren't we more supportive of each other in this challenging yet magical endeavor?

Whoosh...

That’s the sound of summer, flying by my pleading eyes, arms madly waving, and shouts of “Wait! Slow down! I love you!” I love you? Whoa, summer isn’t even my favorite season! But, as I’m sure you would agree, it’s a seductive one. Summer is coy, luring you in after a wet and rainy Spring. Then it moves into the more serious business of drugging you with infusions of Vitamin D. It wraps you in warmth and laziness then renders you delirious with record high temps. 

Chasing the sun around the yard.

I am more than halfway through summer. Sadly, summer has a beginning and end, even more delineated for those of us who teach. I’ve always had fun summers (minus one: chemo treatments), but this one has been especially enjoyable. I can’t put my finger on it, probably because I’d need more than the fingers I have on two hands to pinpoint all that has contributed to the season so far.

Luckily, it’s not over yet. There’s still about four weeks left. A lot can happen in four weeks, as a lot did happen in six. And if I play it right, summer doesn’t have to end when work begins. Last year I enjoyed a little summer in October, boating in Lake Powell. And if summer decides to exit early, or if going back to work gets in the way, I’ll just fall in love with Fall. 

Wasatch Back 2012

This was my second Wasatch Back. For me, it was not a total success in the running department. But something I learned last year that was reaffirmed this year is Ragnar encompasses sooo much more than running. It really is difficult to put into words what the experience of Ragnar really is but I think my teammate and friend Caryn summed it up very nicely:

"Here is what I learned this weekend! Utah is an amazingly beautiful state, I love having a huge a**, killing people is fun, getting killed sucks, squirt guns are NOT just for kids, hills suck, back seat drivers know best and LOVE hills and food, everything is funny at 3am, Seattlites make the BEST mountain drivers, I can run under a 10 minute mile and enjoy the scenery, the calm one does curse and freak out, it's ok if you cannot read or write, underwear is not necessary but deodorant is, Van 2 isn't cooler than Van 1, nothing is more beautiful than a row of honey buckets, people who wake up at 3am to check on you should always be a part of your life, NY has the best cheerleaders, my legs are strong but my heart is stronger, white people burn and the big breasted chafe, sleep is overrated but if your gonna sleep with anyone make it sister-friend, #185 is my favorite number, I heart food, basketball coaches are f***in tough as hell, exchange #19 rocks, everyone should take minutes for later review, the shwag is great but the experience is life changing! Thanks ladies!"

Yes!!! Thank you Adrianna, Amie, Angie, Becky, Brenda, Caryn, Chris, Jen, Kim, Meja, Stephanie, Tanya, and Vicki!!! I am grateful to have had such an amazing experience with equally amazing women!

SetBACK

I am in the midst of a setback, due specifically to my physical back. Those of you who know me quite well also know that my lower back decides to seize up on me from time to time. This time I felt impending doom the morning of the Race for a Cure. I even texted Brenda to let her know how I felt and that I would just have to ignore it until after the race.
The causes of my condition are many: weak core; not doing core strengthening exercises for said core; stressful, busy times (but a good stressful), etc... In addition to the causes, I’m guessing that the catalyst for this particular injury was the barbecue Costco trip Meja and I went on the evening before the race.

Needless to say, I made it through the race, literally running and weaving through it. Thousands of people showed up, the vast majority of which walked. We had great team representation with a combination of people cheering both Lee and I on. I ran with Meja, Brenda, and Caryn the whole way. We crossed the finish line together, hand in hand, arms raised high.
And then as if on cue, my back went and muscles spasms started almost immediately after the finish Other than that and momentarily losing Porter, it was a fabulous morning.
I was feeling better enough by Monday morning that I wasn’t worried about going to work. That feeling lasted pretty much until Thursday morning, after I bent over to pick up a bag. Before I even had the bag in my hand I felt it, and continued feeling it the rest of the day. I hobbled my hunched up, bunched up body to school, determined to get through the day. Unfortunately it got bad enough that the large amounts of ibuprofen I was taking weren’t even making a dent, and I had to call in for an afternoon sub so I could go home. Sigh…..
The biggest bummer of this whole situation is that I had to miss run number six. I had run five 5Ks in 5 weeks and really wanted to believe I would be doing my sixth last Saturday. It was the Girls on the Run running program annual 5K. At 5:21 the morning of the race, I admitted defeat and texted Brenda to let her know that I would not be joining her for the race.
I am too busy to deal with a back that is preventing me from doing much of anything, yet it’s probably the way my body is telling me I’m too busy doing everything. That’s an exaggeration, I don’t do everything, but what I do keep myself busy doing I enjoy very much. Even the good stress gets you! Ah, to truly eat your cake and have it too!

Kellie "Like"

Sunday morning Clint says to me, "You're not being very Kellie-like," followed with, "What happened to go with the flow?"
Kellie "like." Hmmmm.  What exactly does that mean? It means something different now than it did 10 years ago. And though Clint was applying it to a couple of specific situations, it really applies to most aspects of my life. I don't believe I'm a different person per se, just that I think differently. Here's what I mean:
Kellie-like then meant a plethora of wrist watches and Franklin planners. Now it means NEVER wearing a watch, losing track of time and managing my calendar instead of my calendar managing me.
It meant believing that things happened for a reason and now believing that good and bad things happen and you make reason from it, as you choose, for better or worse.
It meant being more cynical and suspicious while now I can't help but give everyone the benefit of the doubt and believe good can be found in every person, often to the point of naivete.
It meant not wanting company because the house was a mess and now it means not wanting to miss out on company even if the house is a mess.
It meant getting by on being deceptively fit, and now it means being a runner.
It meant files, ledgers and balancing the checkbook, and now it means that Clint is bewildered as to why Directv won't let him order the fights because the bill hasn't been paid. (Thank goodness he opened the one that threatened to shut off our power!)
It meant being the go-to-girl for graduate school projects and organization to becoming the girl that was going to everyone else for due dates, instructions, and follow-through.
It meant getting from point A to point B without any variation and now it means we might stop for an overnight stay along the way to our destination. No hurries, no worries.
I'm sure there are things that have been more constant over time, only those of you have known me before, after and during truly know. I personally feel that I've evolved more than I've actually changed, that some tendies were suppressed while others became more enhanced.

Most importantly it means moving along a continuum from judgement to more compassion, from making assumptions to taking the time to know and from taking things personally to realizing that it's so much more than just about me.  

Which is why I went with the flow and gave in on getting a family dog, then topped it off with a Kellie-like thing and insisted we get two! More on our new families will be posted soon!

 

Two Weeks Notice!

Race for the Cure is TWO WEEKS from today! I'm very excited to be participating as a runner, team member and fundraiser! My team is in the Top 10 for fundraising! BUT we haven't reached our goal, YET! Please, please, please contribute or join our team ASAP!
If you register by MAY 6 then your bib and t-shirt are mailed to you! Woohoo! You can actually contribute money up until May 31 for it to count as Race for the Cure funds, but I will stop bugging people about it after the race.
Once again, here is the link to my team page: http://slc.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/SLC_SaltLakeCityAffiliate?team_id=204249&pg=team&fr_id=2479

You can donate to the team in general, or to any of the individual teammates listed. Porter and Parker each have a goal of $5.
The Race for the Cure will be my FIFTH race since turning forty, and it celebrates 5 years of being a survivor! We are also dedicating this race to my dear friend Lee as she starts her fight against cancer!

On a slightly different note, I did my third race today, Color Me Rad. It was a family and friends effort and way too much fun! Parker was able to volunteer through the Utah Down Syndrome Foundation, and Dad and Porter were his volunteer buddies. Fun was had by all!

I've Come A Long Way, Baby!

I just finished a 5 mile run in under an hour! That's a HUGE achievement for me. I started running a little over 2 years ago for my heart, then my health, and now my life. I began with the Couch to 5K program. I was mostly an interval runner, meaning I would run for 30-60 seconds then walk 60-90 seconds. The first non-stop distance I ran outside was .6 miles and it took me over 8 minutes. When I finally got up to running a full mile, I was able to do it in 15 minutes. People could walk faster than I ran! Luckily, a former classmate of mine that I ran into at our 20 year reunion is now a personal trainer. Steve gave me a personal work up to help me with my cardiovascular endurance. It was the guidance for the gradual and sustained improvement I needed.

Fast forward 2+ years. If I run harder than usual I can sustain an 11 minute mile for 2 miles.  Today, running at a normal pace, I averaged 11:52 for 5 miles. Actually, for the first 4 miles I averaged 11:38; mile 5 was a killer! This was my second 5 mile run of the year, and I'm thrilled with the results! I can't believe that I used to say that I would never be a runner, and I'm so glad that it isn't the truth.
This past weekend I finished the first of my 40 races to celebrate turning 40. My 5th scheduled race is going to be the Race for a Cure. My team name is 5 for 5, and that's because I'm running a 5K to celebrate my 5 years of being a survivor. I'm also running for my dear friend Lee, who is a member of the team too. She just recently started her fight with this disease. If you're reading this post, and you haven't already, please consider joining our team and/or donating to Komen SLC. The only reason I can do extraordinary things is because of the extraordinary support I have from the extraordinary people in my life! THANK YOU!

Lake Powell Birthday

     

How do I even begin to describe the most perfect 40th birthday! I can't, but you can see it in pictures. Surrounded by extraordinary views, wrapped in the sun's warmth, rocked by the waters of Lake Powell; experiencing all that with some of the best people on the planet! Beats the hospital bed I was in 5 years ago! So grateful for my life and all that is part of it!

Learn Something New Everyday!

I actually don't see how you couldn't do this. Instead of making it a point to learn something new everyday, I think you'd have to make a point of stopping yourself from learning something new. I'm not only considering academics or book learning, but also career knowledge (which for me happens to be a lot of academics and book learning), social, political and pop culture, personal life lessons, intended and unintended, and the list could go on and on.
Here are three new things I learned yesterday:

At work, with the help of a colleague, I learned more about My Access. I learned how to import students, set up groups and assign a prompt. The day before, with the help of another colleague, I learned how to use the student results to know what types of lessons/teaching I should focus on. End result: I will learn more about what my students know and also learn what to do to help them learn more! Win win!

At a social function with friends, I learned that kids only have to be "shielded" from seeing alcohol depending on the type of liquor license you have. I'm surprised that parents aren't given some sort of partition to place around the alcoholic beverages on their table to keep their children "unaware." Speaking of children and alcohol, here's a previous post about Porter playing "bar." I already knew that Utah's liquor laws were a little quirky, but I learned last night that they are actually totally absurd. For example, you can't "travel" with your beverage, meaning that if you are at one table and move to another with your drink, then set it down, you've broken the law. And that it takes two people to order a pitcher of beer, but one person can order an entire bottle of wine AND a shot of tequila and be served both at the same time because that is considered only two drinks.

My awesome friend Vickie also tried to teach us the proper way to take a great picture, as in pose for a picture. Something like sit up straight, one shoulder down, chin towards that shoulder, head tilted to opposite shoulder, chest out, and something about creating an S? Still learning.

One last thing I learned from Instagram is that KPop is all the rage, or will be all the rage. Basically it's VERY popular Korean pop music by Korean girl and boy bands. Feel free to check it out!

PHEW! I wonder what new things I'll learn today? Tomorrow? Next week? Next year?

Running for My Life

• Idea: Run 40 races to celebrate 40 years of life.
• I have said, on more than one occasion, "I will never be a runner." 
• Heart issues after chemo lead me to consider running, the efficiency of it being a big factor.
• My BFF Brenda starts me on the Couch to 5K program.
• Ran my first 5K and 10K 8 months later.
• Participated in Ragnar 2011.
• Facebook status November 27, 2011: I'M A RUNNER!
• Signed up for the first of my next 40 races 
• Raising money for Race for the Cure this year to celebrate surviving cancer and chemo 5 years ago!

Keep Proving Me Wrong!

I did something tonight that I've been afraid to do. I went to Porter's wrestling practice. Not being there was more than just about not wanting to see him fail. It was about not wanting to see what broke his spirit last week. It was about not wanting to see him fail while he was putting every once of his being into doing his best while failing. It was about not wanting to see how much easier it was for the other kids. It was about me wanting to protect him from disappointment. It was about me not knowing how to be there for him, a determined boy being sabotaged by his own body.

He's the one on top.

We actually had a little talk this afternoon before practice. In fact it's been one of a few that Clint and/or I have had with him about his wrestling venture. We know how frustrating it's been for Porter. We wanted to give him an "out" without making it seem like he was quitting or giving up. I think he took that out at least 3 times, including today right after our talk. And then at least 3 times, one time for each time he "quit," he quickly reversed his decision with an emphatic "I'm NOT giving up!" which he repeated a few times for even greater emphasis.
After our talk he went to get ready for practice, shouting "I'M NOT GIVING UP!" a half dozen times as he was changing. So I decided that in order to be there for Porter, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and be there to cheer him on. I'm so glad he decided not to quit and even more glad that I decided to go to the practice. He did so great! And according to Clint, there has been improvement. There was not a trace of the disappointment and frustration that I saw last week.
As we were walking out Porter turned to me and said, "Mom, are you so proud of me." Yes! Yes! and Yes! Those of you that know us well, know that this isn't the only time Porter has proved us wrong. When will I learn to stop doubting this persistent, determined, and extraordinary kid?

Celebrate!

Some people celebrate their birthday on their birthday, or a bit before, maybe even a little after. Another popular option is having a birthday week. There may even be a few that extend that to a month, or have "half" birthdays, which are especially popular with children who have summer birthdays. I've decided that I will be celebrating the entire year of my 40th birthday.
Technically, my 40th year of life began when I turned 39. And it might be more exact to celebrate a year starting from the time I actually have my 40th birthday. But since I was born in 1972, which was forty years ago, then I'm going to celebrate all of 2012, and then some. Though it is a "Me Party," it wouldn't really be a celebration without wonderful people to share it with! I hope you'll follow me along on my mid-life journey and all the celebrations of this extra special year. Cheers!