August 5, 2009 "Unhinged"

I think you more fully understand how connected you are to your children when you begin to become disconnected, when they grow in their freedom and you find yourself getting some of yours back too. I’ve experienced a little of that this week. The only times I have ever left my children in the car when running into a store has been this summer. Porter’s 9 and Parker’s 3, and I’ve probably left them half-a-dozen times, and only for a quick in and out. That small growth in Porter’s freedom also gave me a bit more freedom. It unhinged me, from them, literally. Parker was not on my hip, Porter not off obeying his own curiosity while in the same vicinity as me. It has made it a little easier to grab a prescription, pay a bill, drop off or pick up items.

Parker got a taste of potty training, via grandma. She finally decided that though he is 3, he is also developmentally delayed and not quite ready to go it on his own. This would have been another measure of freedom. We wouldn’t be changing his butt everytime needed, though certainly would continue to monitor his bowel and bladder movements. Though it would be nice to gain a little more financial freedom from the cost of diapers, I’m okay with letting it slide a little longer. Parker has also been able to be a little more free in the house since he can manage stairs without any difficulty. He regularly travels from all the way in the basement to his room or ours and everywhere in between.

For Porter, this summer has given him another sense of freedom, one that he considers very much in his favor. This is the first summer that I allow him to “go play” without my constant hovering. When we first moved into the neighborhood a few years ago, Porter was 6 and I was obvious in my supervision. He wasn’t out if one of us wasn’t right there with him. But since that’s how the whole neighborhood functioned, it wasn’t a big deal. The adults would visit while the kids played. The next year, I tried to ease up a bit, so I would work on the yard while keeping an eye out. Porter wasn’t easily fooled and would try to reassure me that he was fine and I didn’t have to be out there. Last year the kids would play with maybe just one parent out keeping a casual eye on the group as they traveled around the neighborhood together.
This year, we’ve all eased up, probably because they’re all a little more grown up and we’ve made our expectations clear over the past few years, and a surprise “visit” here and there has kept them in check. We parents keep very close communication and are very proud of the fact that our kids will not likely get away with anything, not with more than 18 pairs of eyes around the neighborhood.

I have never really felt that being a parent has taken freedoms away from me, it’s just part of being a parent and I never considered it any other way. And getting those “freedoms” back make me realize it’s because my children are gaining freedoms and independence. Is that a win/win? Or a lose/win or win/lose? I’m sure it’s for the best, we want our kids to be independent, but I’m not sure I want to be unhinged.