June 13, 2008 "Reminder"

What you’ll read below was orignally posted on my Caring Bridge page. I’m posting it again because I need a reminder to continue to enjoy life’s moments. My summer vacation just started, and will continue for the next 9 weeks. I want to be sure to insert spontaneity into the structure of our summer schedule. We definitely have things we need to accomplish, but overall we need to enjoy one another and the moments we share together. I still don’t wear watches, and still don’t have a clock in my classroom (it drives the kids nuts!).

TUESDAY, JANUARY 01, 2008 01:26 AM, CST
GIFTS
I used to be obsessed with time. I’d get a new watch every Christmas, different styles and colors to go with different clothes. I currently have 5 watches right now and only one of them is working. It’s the “night, night” watch, my Timex with the Indiglo. I’ve stopped wearing watches because I no longer want time to have control over me, I want control over it. It’s nice to slow down, breathe and enjoy the moments. In fact, I don’t have a clock in my classroom. I replaced it with a sign that says, “Time is passing, are you?” So this is one of the “gifts” cancer gave me.

It’s difficult for me to say that cancer gave me anything good, though I know it did. I just don’t want to give credit for wonderful things to something so hideous. Cancer also gave me a sense of freedom or liberation. I don’t think you would have caught me dancing on a piano at the Tavernacle or on a table at the Contempo company party a year ago. But since I’m living more in the moment, and caring a lot less about what other people think, I expect to have more spontaneous and joyful experiences in the future!

I’ve also experienced some what of a rebirth over the past year. I did not particulary enjoy being reduced to a completely flat chested and hairless woman. But who remembers growing hair from nothing? Since it probably happened in infancy, I don’t think anyone remembers, especially girls. I know that guys shave their heads from time to time, so they get it. So not only do I get to experience a facet of infancy, I get to experience puberty too! My doctor says my breasts are puberty size right now. Funny that he says that because I think I might be a little bigger now than I was last year at this time, and that’s only with 150 ccs in each side.

One other “gift” was there all along, all the wonderful people in my life. I already knew that I had a fabulous family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers and now medical staff. But my appreciation for them has grown and so has my need to spend more time with them. I also enjoy every moment, just about. Simple moments, quiet moments, quick moments, living in the moment. It’s a fun way to spend time with my boys, my big boy, little boy and baby boy. Don’t let Porter know I called him a little boy.