July 15, 2009 "Enough Already!"

I have a high tolerance for pain, not bragging or anything, just stating a fact. Porter also has a high tolerance to pain, though for a different reason. I think his tolerance is related to his cerebral palsy which actually has made him numb in a sense. I’m not sure what my pain tolerance used to be about, but I know what it’s about now, the need to “feel.” When I’m in pain, recovering from surgery, it gives me a sense that something was done, no pain no gain right? That whatever was done “to me” is what is going to make me better. In a weird way it makes me feel more “alive.”
In general, I have always had a dislike of taking medications, even a simple Ibuprofen. Our medicine “cabinet” was actually just a small Tupperware container filled with a few medications, most of which went bad before even half the bottle was gone. I used to have pretty bad allergies that I would just suffer through (usually ending up with laryngitis, bronchitis, or both) because I didn’t want to take the meds for it. I hate the way meds make me feel and I believe they’re not really helping, just masking the real problem.

Then came cancer, and surgeries, and chemo which meant lots and lots of medications. There were pre and post medications; medications for the side effects other medications would give me; medications on stand-by; IV, pill, and liquid medications. Medications, medications, medications! UGH! It’s been over 2 years of various types of treatments and I have almost 5 full bottles of lortab and Percocet left over, and would have had even more had I filled all the prescriptions. (Lucky for me that my genes aren’t pre-wired for addiction). For someone who went from taking practically nothing, ever, to someone who was being pumped full of different drugs on a regular basis was really difficult for me, still is. I want to be off all meds as soon as possible. I have 3 years left of Tamoxifen (for breast cancer) and I’m still on Celexa and my heart meds.

I’ve been off my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med for about a week. I didn’t do it on purpose. I waited until I was out to get a refill then noticed I had zero refills left. So then I had to wait for the pharmacy to contact my Dr. (which I probably could have done but I left it up to them). I kept remembering and then forgetting to call the pharmacy to find out if the refill was approved and filled. Finally, I learned it was ready and asked Clint to pick it up for me on the way home. He did, but accidently left it at the checkout counter, so I still don’t have it. I’m guessing that my insomnia can be attributed to my not taking said medication, at least partly. My mood seems okay, but if I remember right, it took 2 weeks of being off this med last summer before the anxiety took control of my mind, after which I immediately got back on the meds. So, though I’m tempted not to, I will be going back on Celexa at least until my next oncology check up in September. I’ll let the professional wean me off it.

As for my heart meds, I need to see the cardiologist, an appointment I’ve been putting off. I just don’t want to add another Dr. appointment to our summer, so we’ll see about the fall. I don’t have to see my plastic surgeon for a year! And I’ll be seeing my regular surgeon in 6 months. I think I’ll be going to 6 months for cancer check-ups as well. I’m not going to get too excited about an end in sight or anything. Like I’ve mentioned before, Dr. appointments are our extracurricular activity and I’m sure it will be for many years to come.