June 11, 2009 "Drama"

I know misery. It’s being incapacitated to the level of not even being able to watch tv, trying not to hate your prepubescent and hairless body, feeling the excruciating pain of your bones creating more white blood cells, and attempting to survive a treatment that feels like it’s killing you without wishing you were dead. That’s misery, and I want to be as far from it as possible.

I never really understood the advice of “Live each day as if it were your last,” until being diagnosed with breast cancer. For me that advice came to mean that I would make a conscious effort to enjoy each day, to recognize that there was some good in everyone and everything, and to be present in each moment. I put those beliefs into practice by living my life a day at a time and making a choice to be happy each day.

My personal life philosophy is causing some difficulty in my professional life. There has been a lot of conflicts at work this year. It has been a year of transition and change for a few reasons, the most significant being a new administration. Anxiety and stress levels are through the roof, I recognize that. People are frustrated, I get that. There are feelings of anger, despair, and hopelessness, I feel that. The majority of those I work with seem miserable and as I mentioned above, I want to be as far from misery as possible.

So some assume that I’m in denial about what’s going on at work or that I’m clueless or cold, or that I lack empathy, or that I don’t care when in reality I have just chosen to respond to the situation in a different way.
The perception has become that because I’m not “with” them that I must be against them. I don’t believe that it’s that black and white. Just because you’re not “with” a group, doesn’t mean that you’re against them, but that’s the line that’s been drawn.

 I have not been mean or malicious to anyone. I have not mistreated anyone. I have been snubbed and ignored by others. I have been left out and ostracized as well. I do appreciate those few individuals who have taken the time to test the assumptions by asking me directly about my perceived “motives.” I tell them that I’m just trying my best to do more than survive this life, but that I’m trying to get enjoyment out of my life by having positive interactions and experiences. I don’t think that’s something that I should be made to feel guilty about or have to apologize for.